The old adage that you can't judge a book by it's cover is definitely true when you have experienced a great loss. Our culture does not embrace loss well or how to deal with in a graceful yet powerful way. We want to escape it, stuff it or pretend it's not there even when loss and suffering it just as much of the human experience as birth and celebrations. I do think is it more an American phenonmenon to not give loss the due it deserves. As Americans, we conduct ceremonial rituals to honor our loved ones lives with wakes, visitations, funerals and burials but many countries do more even after the ceremonial process is over.
In biblical times, people wore sackcloth as a sign of mourning and in recent history, women wore veils but in each of these instances, humans didn't try to hide the fact they were in pain. Today, many of us are conditioned by societal norms to look like we have it all together and not to appear weak but maybe we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Vulnerable, not in the take advantage of us sort of way, but vulnerable in that it is ok to cry and not be stared at (hence, this is why women wore veils, to cry without people looking) or made to feel like you are wrong if you grieve longer than "society" thinks you should. No, we shouldn't get stuck in our grief but our loss becomes a part of us and we should accept it as a part of our life's journey that makes us a whole person. Maybe the loss is what is making us whole; a person with a whole experience not just the happy times but every part of what makes us fully human, the good, the bad and the ugly. I pray for you and for me that we accept and embrace our losses completely and that the hurts we have experienced molds us into a more caring, and compassion person who is more sensitive to the suffering of others.
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There's a lot going on in the world today but for those of us who lost a loved one before COVID 19, our world was pretty messed up already. Why does God who is in total control and is able to heal sick bodies, mend broken homes, or restore lost dreams, just don't fix it? I was so disappointed in God when my husband died because I put "all my eggs in His basket" and believed that our fatih Him and His healing power would deliver us from the demonic spirit of cancer. I knew if God did not make it better, my husband was going to die. Like many of you, we prayed, fasted and believed for a miracle but God still didn't heal my husband on this side of glory and I felt let down, confused and angry. It just didn't make sense. The God of all creation, the miracle worker God, our God who is the same yesterday, today and forevermore did not rescue us and I just wanted to know why? If he truly loved us and we were His children and every good and perfect comes from the Lord (James 1:17), why didn't He help us and give us the miracle we so desperately needed?
After many months of crying out to Him and knowing at the end of the day, He is all I have, I found that utlimately it is God's choice and it is God's plan. We had faith and trusted God even when we continually got devastating news from the doctors, because we knew there was nothing too hard for Him but in the end, my husband still died. I might not understand or even agree with the choice God made to take my husband home with Him, but God knows and sees how the story ends and He allowed the hurt to still happen. It reminds me when my children were babies and they received their vaccinations. I knew it would hurt them to get their shots but I looked towards the future. I knew if they didn't receive their vaccinations they may contract a disease that could kill them. God is like that, He sees it all and even though it may cause us pain, He does what is best for us. Tragedies happen and we may never know why. There is injustice in the world; there are diseases, and heartbreak but the most righteous judge of the uninverse is taking an account of it all and He will make all things new (Rev 21:5). It's not fair that tradegies can take our loved ones away from us, but God sees it all and He cares for us when are hurting. The bible says, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). You might not feel His closeness but I promise you, He is. Our God takes care of us in ways we can't imagine. The one True God can snap His fingers and everything would be perfect. One day, it will be and our hearts will be healed and we will see how He made it make sense. Life isn't fair is it? Those are the words of Scar in the Lion King when Simba was born. He wanted to be King but there was his brother, Mufasa who was already the King, and now here comes Mufasa's son Simba, his successor. I mean, why did Mufasa have to be born first? Why him and not Scar? It may sound funny that I am referencing a Disney movie, that I love mind you, but nevertheless, a kid's movie. But this kid's movie is so similar to our lives. Sometimes life doesn't seem fair. Sometimes we play by the rules, and do the right things and life just doesn't turn out the way we want. We may lose love ones, get passed over for the promotion, our kids may go astray, our health may fail, a relationship didn't work out the way we wanted, oh, it's so many things that can happen which can crush our hearts and souls that it's too many to mention.
However, there is good news even in the midst of heartbreak and disappointment. Jesus said, be of good cheer, I have overcome the world (John 16:33)! This means, Jesus has overcome all of our fear, disappointment and grief. Through Him, we can experience the peace of knowing that nothing just happens and that He does have a plan for it all and He can use it for His glory. The pain of loss can be all consuming and it's difficult to ever see the light of day. I know this all too well, but it's all about perspective and trust. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says, For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. When we first experience something painful, it hurts so bad that it's like looking through a dark glass. Our pain blinds us but in time, if we hold on and keep pressing forward with God, one day we will see the whole picture clearly. So, people of God, this is no pie in the sky feel good story. If you truly trust God will all your heart, with all your hurts, all of your questions, with it all, you may not understand why things happen but you will have peace that He does and that is all that will matter. ~In faith, Veronica God is our father and like every good father, it pleasures him to bless his children. I believe most parents love to see the smile on their child's face when he or she gets a gift. Maybe that is why the word of God says it is better to give than to receive because of the innate ability we are given to feel happiness when we bring joy to those we love. It's easy to receive blessings from God. We pray and long for God to shower us with good things and to answer our prayers. When we are living a life that is pleasing to Him, we especially believe we should be rewarded for being a good child. When God answers our prayers the way we want him to or give us more than we even imagined, we feel especially heard and loved. Oh, how we love Ephesians 3:20 when it says, now unto him that is able to do exceedingingly, abundantly above all we ask or think, according to the power that works in us. I love the feeling I get when He answers my prayers. The feeling of knowing I am His.
But what happens when we fast and pray and our prayers are not even close to being answered? James 5:16 says the effective, fervent prayers of the righteous avails much but what do you do when you are praying and nothing is working, in fact. it is getting worse? IICorinthians 5:21 says, For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteous of God in Him. So, you are the righteous of God and your prayers are not being answered. What does that mean? Is God listening to your prayers, and if He is, does He even care? These are questions many Christians ask not just unbelievers. I have come to realize the answers to these questions by walking through some very dark days. I walked through, and some days continue to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and I found the truth. The answer to why God says no when we have prayed so earnestly is I don't know. In fact, nobody knows. I don't know why God answers some prayers and some He does not. I don't why some people are healed and some die, or some people have as many children as they want and some pray earnestly and are still not able to conceive. I don't know and, it hurts like heck when you believe with everything in you and know that our God is good but the child still dies or the marriage still fails or the marriage never happens. I don't know because I am not God. I know now that God gives us time to work through the hurt, the pain, the anger and the confusion to come to the realization of who He really is. When we finally understand that God is all knowing and He is control of everything, we can rest. We can rest that nothing can happen to us without His approval (Psalm 24:1). We live in a fallen world because man gave away His authority. We did that, God didn't. Trouble, heartbreak, death is part of this fallen world as Jesus said in John 16:33 that in this world we will have trouble. The good news is that He also says He has overcome the world! Wow, that is awesome news! I thank God that He can take even the things that was meant to destroy us and use it for our good. It might not look or feel like it but He will do it. I believe that how to handle God's no is to trust Him with it all. Trust Him even though your life might not look like you envisioned that He will work it all out for your good in His time. Amen I planned to write about something else, something about the grief experience and ways to move forward after loss but hearing the news Chadwick Boseman's death, our beloved Black Panther, hit hard. How could a man I did not know personally spark a grief reaction in me, in us? Maybe it was because we loved what he represented, the strength and the beauty of a black man. The whole Wakanda vibe made black people feel valued and strong in a country that often depicts us as evil, weak and unworthy. If Wakanda was a real country, most of us would want to move there. Mr. Boseman's role as the Black Panther did that and we thank him for providing our psyche with a much needed boost.
What beauty it is for our children to see a strong, powerful, and graceful black man portraying a superhero. If your culture frequently is seen in a positive light, you can't fully embraced what the Black Panther did for the black community's self esteem. The Black Panther was the first movie we have seen in years, maybe ever that made black folks stick their chest out! Everybody was saying Wakanda Forever! It was a rallying cry of black excellence, strength and greatness. It made us proud to see ourselves strong and worthy, not in need of rescuing, in fact, we were the ones during the rescuing! Chadwick Boseman's life reminded me of my beloved husband's. Both of them were diagnosed with cancer in 2016, Will with stage 4 kidney cancer and "the Black Panther" with stage 3 colon cancer. More than being diagnosed with cancer in the same year, apparently they had the same outlook on life. You would have never known they had cancer if you didn't know it already. My husband kept being faithful and believing God was going to heal him and he walked it out. He worked, he played, and he loved until the end. Apparently, Mr. Boseman did the same thing. He worked and gave us everlasting memories until he was called home. This is it you guys! This is how you live! You give your all regardless of the mountains you face and you do it with fortitude, love and grace. Only God can give you the supernatural strength to run this kind of race; the kind with the wind in your face and knowledge that your time on the earth isn't long. My husband and Mr. Boseman are two examples of how not even a terminal disease can rob you of your God-given purpose, and allow you to say at the end of your life, I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith (2 Timothy 4:7). I think most of us have been touched in some way by loss. If you haven't, unfortunately you will be one day. In my life experience, I have come to recognize that there is loss and there is LOSS. Before my husband died, I loss people and I must say, significant people in my life that I loved dearly and completely. However, no other loss has profoundly changed me and broken my entire being than losing my precious husband. It is the kind of loss that if I never woke up again then it would been a release from such horrific pain. No, I didn't want to die but I did want the pain to stop. Everyone who has felt the pain of losing a loved one, has a legitimate right to acknowledge this pain and understand what they are experiencing is real and hurtful. No one should measure anyone else's pain by their pain because even if a guy loses all of his kids in a tornado like Job and his pain is seen as a greater tragedy, that does not trivialize or minimize your pain. However there are losses that challenges your very reason for living. There are people so connected to your heart and soul that living without them seems impossible. I walked and sometimes crawled through this level of grief. If it wasn't for the grace of God, and wanting to live for the sake of my children I would have given up. Oh, how they kept me alive and not only alive but moving forward! Unlike folks who experience the sudden death of a loved one, I knew it was a possibility that this would be my lot. My husband, Will and I saw the reports, heard the prognosis, and by the way, I never wanted to know how long he had to live but he did. I believed God is a healer and even though Will was diagnosed with Stage 4 kidney cancer right off the bat, both of us put our faith in the Great Physician. I remember many nights we prayed together on our knees holding hands knowing where two or three are gathered in His name, He is in the midst (Matt: 18: 19-20). Unfortunately, it wasn't in God's plan to heal Will on this side of heaven. I wish it was because I miss him. The children miss him and we still grieve for him. Only God knows the plan He has for us. He said in His word that He knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper and not to harm us and plans to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). The Word of God also says, For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:9). Just over a year of my husband's death, I am coming to believe Will's death was God showing love for Will and for us. My human, rational mind does not understand it and I don't feel it, but He did say His thoughts are higher than mine. God is love and even though we live in a fallen world where people get sick and die, or are killed in various ways, people disappoint us, or we are rejected our God sees it all and He weeps for us and with us. Jesus cried when Lazarus died knowing He would raise him from the dead. God loves us. Hold on to that truth knowing one day He will make all things known. Luke 12:2 says, there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. Be Blessed. My husband died July 19, 2019. His clothes are still in our closet. I smell them occasionally hoping to catch a whiff of his scent, but I don’t smell anything anymore. When I touch his clothes and think about packing them up, I feel nauseous, like I’m getting rid of him. I can’t do it yet, and it’s ok. Sometimes well-meaning people who are not feeling your pain or experiencing your hurt will tell you how and when to move on, but I decided to move forward my way. Even if someone has had a loss similar to your loss, it’s still your loss. You get to decide how to go through your pain.
The loss of my husband was different than any loss I ever experienced. He was my best friend, my confidante, my person I did life with, who I prayed with, heck, everything. He was it, and I loved him and still love him. That kind of pain is indescribable. It hurts every part of you, and it affects every part of your life. Even though people want to help you through it, and they should be there for you, they just can’t walk it out for you. When Will died I wanted to die too and if it wasn’t for my children, I probably would have wished myself away. Who wants to wake up to a broken heart every single day? I woke up in tears; I went to bed in tears. Nights were the worse because at the end of the day it was me and him. I learned you have to feel the emotional hurt because trust me, the pain has it way of coming out. The grief and stress affected my body in ways I didn’t expect. I got thrush in my mouth, my skin broke out, my blood pressure was uncontrollable, I couldn’t sleep and wanted to eat everything sweet. But thank God, He gave me the strength to keep getting up and I made the decision to get up! I kept moving. As a mental health clinician, I knew the signs of depression and I was falling into it. So, I tried to help myself. These are some things I did that help sustain me in my grief journey and it is my hope it will help you too. First, I prayed and read the bible…a lot! Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Even when I didn’t feel His closeness, I knew He was there because He said so. Next, I exercised. I walked early in the morning every day. It’s something about mornings that refreshes your soul and mind. In Psalm 63:1, David said you are my God; early will I seek You. I talked to God during my walks, asking Him questions, looking up to heaven knowing my Will is there, and I kept moving. These are just two of the things that is helping me during this season. As time goes on, I will share many other healing techniques you can use to move forward in this new life that none of us wanted. I didn’t want this life and still can hardly believe I am a widow, but I determined life is precious and I need to really live it. I know Will would be so hurt to know I lived the rest of my days in misery and I want to honor his memory. It doesn’t seem possible now, but God is going to use our pain and supernaturally make something beautiful out of it. My dreams with my husband was burned up at his death and turned into ashes, but I am holding on with everything in me that one day God will give me beauty for my ashes and the oil of joy for my mourning (Isaiah 61:3). Friends, hold on to your faith and cherish the love you had and still have for your loved one until we meet them again in the glorious light of our King. When my husband was fighting cancer, my first question to God was why him? To know my husband was to love him as Will had such a loving spirit and demeanor that it made him easy to love. He was also a dedicated disciple of Jesus Christ. He was faithful and committed to serving the Lord Jesus Christ with everything in him. Of course, he was human, and he made mistakes like we all do, but his character was pure, and he had the most beautiful, humble spirit of anyone I have ever known. So, when he was diagnosed with cancer, I do not understand why God did not protect him. Not only did my husband love the Lord, I prayed for my family ever single day and pled the blood of Jesus over their lives. Jesus died not only for our sins but also for our healing and the blood he shed on the cross was powerful enough to heal our bodies, souls, and minds. 1 Peter 2:24 says He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin, live to righteousness and by His wounds you have been healed.
Even though I prayed that God would protect my husband and children, he still got cancer. Will understood this much better than I did as he once told me, it rains on the just as well as the unjust (Matthew 5:45). Even when Will was placed in hospice care, I still believed God would heal him. How could He not heal him? We crossed all the spiritual T’s and dotted all the spiritual I’s. I knew Jesus had the ability to heal my husband, and no matter how bad it looked, my only hope was in the healing power of Jesus Christ. When the Holy Spirit revealed to me that my husband was not going to live, He gave me his peace to handle it all and to make sure my husband had a good death. I was surprised at the magnitude of the calmness I experienced as I watched my husband take his last breath. I felt honored to have loved him and help him transition into eternity. I know now more than ever that God can give peace that surpasses all understanding and will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7). The months that followed my husband’s death, I asked God why He didn’t heal him. I know there are many Christians who say you can’t question God. I understand the premise of this thinking as God’s verdict is final and his authority is above all. However, God knows we are human, and we have questions. He knows we will be angry and disappointed when we believe for healing, deliverance or a breakthrough and things don’t work out the way we hope for or believed. God said ask and it will be given to you (Matthew 7:7) It is my belief that asking hard questions is part of this edict from Jesus. He understands our confusion and questions, and He understands us. He gave us a mind, and He truly knows what is in our hearts. God will heal us even through our pain and confusion if stay close to Him. He remembered every prayer I prayed when my husband was sick, and I believe He honored my faithfulness to Him and my faithfulness to my husband. He is walking me through the valley of the shadow of death. What I am learning through my grief walk is that God is truly sovereign which means He possesses supreme or ultimate power. Even though, I wanted my husband to live with everything in me, God had a greater plan. I don’t understand His plan, but He does and that’s enough for me. Regardless of my anger at God and at times, my unbelief, I still needed Him. I still believed He was on my side and He loved me. Even though this is the hardest, most painful season of my life, I cling to Roman 8:28 which says all things work together for good to those who love the Lord, and to those who are the called according to His purpose. He is really working it all out for my good! As Christians regardless of the trouble that comes in our lives, our faith in Him and dependence in His Word will keep us in peace. Be of good cheer people of God, your storm will not last forever and if you believe in God, you will see the goodness of God while you live (Psalm 27:13). Hi everyone and welcome to the Broken Wing Blog. It is my hope that those of us who struggle or have struggled with brokenness due to loss, disappointment, rejection or any emotional pain can find hope first in Jesus, and then through my journey and how I am coming through the valley and into the marvelous light! If you didn’t know already, we need each other as God’s Word said, it isn’t good for man or woman to be alone (Genesis 2:18). In this blog, there is an opportunity for Christians and non-Christian alike to follow me as a believer in Jesus Christ through my faith and grief walk. There will be discussions about faith, suffering, depression, the goodness of God and how the Word of God and His Holy Spirit helps us put the pieces of our lives back together again. As a licensed master social worker, I will also give advice that helped me deal with my depression and grief after the loss of my husband. Spirituality and mental health can work hand in hand; they are not mutually exclusive. Although I am a clinician, please see your personal therapist for mental health services if needed. You may ask, where does the name Broken Wing comes from and what is the significance of it? Most early mornings, during my walk in the neighborhood, I hear birds chirping and I embrace the calmness of the new day. One morning, I saw a bird flying and I thought about how losing my husband, Will was like a bird losing one of its wings but still had to fly to survive. I am sure the bird was so traumatized from the loss of its wing that he thought he was going to die. If the bird thought he might live, surely with the amount of damage done to his body, he believed he would never fly again. The bird with the broken wing was exactly like me; half of me missing and broken in mind, soul, body, and spirit. I was so traumatized and heartbroken at the death of my husband, I didn’t think I could live, and if I did live how would I go on without him. But just like that bird, with a whole lot of patience, faith, encouragement, and tending to the wound, I am flying a little again. And like the bird, who is still very bruised and unsteady but presses his way towards the sky even when the other half of his body is missing, I too will press my way to wholeness and allow God to mend the broken pieces of my heart. Join me in this journey and find your peace as well. |
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AuthorMy name is Veronica Morrow. Welcome to my blog as I express how God heals loss and grief with His amazing love. Archives
October 2020
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